I wish I had known Mark Twain – he was a rebel in his time and a very wise man – at least, from my perspective.
How many of us live in our dream world, especially where relationships are concerned? I love you, I want to be with you, I do all sorts of things for you, I care for you, I’m sure you have your own list. And, yet, in the rare moments reality sneaks in sort of around the dream I have constructed, I see you don’t reciprocate my attentiveness. I feel like an option in your life. You get around to me when and if you want.
Well, let’s start with co dependence. If you are my priority because I believe I need you to complete me – or, if I learned to be hyper vigilant as a child so that I would not incur the wrath of a parent – then, all my attentiveness may be suffocating you. You may really want to run away from me so you can finally breathe.
Why would I believe I need you to complete me? Usually it’s because I feel I am flawed in some basic way – low self esteem or low self worth. In my own life, I got the lesson very early that I was different than the rest of my family and I had to change so I would be normal like they all were. What a hoot!! And, how sad.
Hyper vigilance. Again, in my own life, my mother was emotionally fragile. From my earliest memory I watched her and my own actions to be sure I wasn’t going to be the cause of her becoming upset. As an adult, I realized several years ago I was still hyper vigilant – very aware of – watching – my husband, my children, my sister, my boss, a good friend. Again, to be sure I didn’t do anything wrong. Or, to be sure I didn’t upset the other. I was wearing myself flat out – and them! Most of us want a certain amount of anonymity in our relationships. A certain amount of freedom. We really don’t like being “watched.”
So, back to Mark Twain. If you feel someone is your priority while you are their option, really take an honest look at your own motivations and your own actions. Are they your priority in a healthy way? Are you co-dependent? Do you feel you need them to complete you? Are you hyper vigilant – watching their every move and attempting to please or control?
What if they were your option?