“The next time someone upsets you, think, ‘Thanks for pointing out that I’ve begun depending on you. Time I lose the expectations.’” – Mike Dooley, The Universe

Codependency – when you are angry at the other person for not living your life the way you want them to. In any relationship, and especially in committed, intimate relationships we have expectations of the other person. Nothing wrong with that – to a point. Hopefully, we share values and see the world in a similar way as a basis for the relationship in the first place. Our souls may connect in a deep way and we help each other grow. Where we can get into trouble is when we need the other to take care of us, to help us feel safe in the world or to complete us in some way.

A good way for you to tell when you have crossed the line from growing together to dependency, is when you seem to constantly feel anger, agitation, unease, disappoint and upset at the other person. That’s when it’s time to examine your own inner being. No relationship can thrive based on need. Want and need – two totally different feelings. Is the other person in your life because you want them or because you believe at some level you need them?

Our emotional needs are symptoms of our feelings of inadequacy, not being good enough, fears of abandonment, powerlessness, and many others resulting from our life experiences in the womb, childhood and throughout life. With some awareness, we can bring those emotional wounds up into the light, see them and give them some space. Darkness dissolves in the light of consciousness. Working with a therapist, a very wise friend, journaling, meditation – all can help these old hurts be healed. And as they heal, your needs drift away. Consider giving it a try – the reward is freedom and peace you never thought possible.


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